PEDAFOYLE
tellxit2myheart: get it?
tellxit2myheart: lmfao insTead of file
tellxit2myheart: ahahaha
woahhaow: DURPA
off in the night, while you live it up, I’m off to sleep.
I hear the train faintly as I sit in the dark of my old car, taking in the navy and gold hues of the summer enveloping me….
I wish I could finish this without so much holding me back.
I just have nothing to say any longer…
I’m never going to get thru this. I hope you all know that I’m stuck. I don’t want to speak about it ever. I’m only going to be happy wen I’m on my own because my mom is calling me a fat slut every ten minutes. my family despises me. I cant stop crying. everything is falling out of place. I didn’t mean what I said. I love you very much but, I can’t fight or put up with you anymore. my cousin sure had the right idea. maybe I should move out of the country and get married. I have lost everyone. there’s nothing here for me anymore.
I feel like a lot of people have given up on me. I feel like I’ve given up on myself. I have pulled away from family, from friends to wake up to his arms around me. he is home to me. this apartment is not. but, I remind myself that this is temporary. every dog has it’s day and soon this dark, deary place will be standing alone. and the new place I settle my bitter heart into will be bright and loving. I’m closing the door to everything that will bring me down. if love and wisdom have to knock, then, so be it. I will gladly open the door and sweep them in.
my outstanding boyfriend has not left my side this week past all of my emotional breakdowns, and mood swings. he’s literally dragged me by the hand through this storm and at the end of the day, we are sitting across each other at my kitchen table eating pizza and laughing of old times. when we were young and dumb. thinking about how much we have grown together brings tears to my eyes. how do I repay someone back for all of the love I have received? so strong and all knowing, the love I give you back is nothing.
the lessons my mother has learned in 3 weeks have saved us. never to leave me again, I cannot wait to bring her home tomorrow. I’m shocked my lonlieness hasn’t killed me yet.
I have to clean my apartment now. it has been 3 and a half weeks since I’ve taken Xanax. I do not feel refreshed. I want to kill you all. :)
lol @ when I legit toasted my wine glass with your beer can & drunkenly mumbled shit about “the rest of our natural lives together”
I glanced at the clock with sleepy eyes. 5:30. I was beyond exsausted and your red eyes were looking through me as you smiled. “this bud was good. I’m really energized, but I got the munchies so bad” I laughed at the chocolate ice cream that stained your knuckles. “so wen you were buying ounces and ounces of weed….” “BITCH. I bought it by the pound. I had at least 6000 dollars at one point” I went hysterical. wtf did u do with six grand, my mind raced. “I built a computer, bought a thousand dollars worth of electronics…”
I don’t remember the rest of it. I was zoned out to the max. but, as I was cleaning my apartment and you were sitting indian style across from me talking and talking about our past and how we lived it together, my heart floated. we shared rocky road with sprinkles and I forgot to pay the cable. but it was incredible sharing that silence with you.
I just passsd old town & I’m not even driving…
I always end up closer than id ever planned on being to you. my heart is heavy tonight.
tell the world that im cominggg homeee
In the middle of islip, past the coffee shops, and 24 hour diner, there’s a narrow, hardwood hallway, leading me and my broken heart to, am opened, endless living room and a huge kitchen. My imagination is running wild. My broken heart, is on wings. Forever flying.
I woke up at around 7 this morning. Hopelessly searching for a new place to live, visions of my land lords father flooded my memory…signing me over papers of my fate, I shut down, and shut out almost everyone in my life. I was sort of hungover from the melatonin and vicodin I used to sleep last night. I went thru a couple ads, unsure of what to say. I finally got a hold of Louise, who, told me she was going away for the week, and to get down to see the apartment as soon as possible. I scrounged around for 6 dollars, and put it in for gas.
As soon as I turned onto main street, my heart got stuck in my throat. remembering how close to where I was born, all sorts of unfinished emotions, and regression came to haunt me. Louise & I entered the apartment, and I almost fell to my fucking knees. In the middle of the hardwood floors to my apartment. With the bay windows letting in some cloudy sunshine.
I carved my name into those floors, and into the new life I am going to have there. I drove right to Social Services and stayed there for 45 minutes, drove an hour more to see my mom so she could sign the papers, and dropped them off at my realtor’s office.
Mommy is doing really good! The new medicine is really good. I just have a lot of packing and cleaning to do here tomorrow. Everything has to be perfect for her. Im busting my fucking ass.
I haven’t seen Ryan since like Weds. I miss the kid, but, I’m not going to have time to see him for the rest of the week.. I have no idea where to even go for boxes. I have too much on my mind.
I have a job interview early. I have to cut this short. I’m gunna be a nursing assitant. [:
